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In the N.Y. Times,
a Love That Dares To Speak Its Name FacesForward When Daniel Gross and Steven Goldstein met 10 years ago, they didn't expect their love affair to be the stuff of front-page news. But when the couple's commitment ceremony last week found itself listed in The New York Times' high-profile Weddings section — along with such pairs as Aleksandra Pietrzyk and William Winters II — they were transformed into mini-celebrities. As the first-ever same-sex couple to have their union listed by the Times, Gross and Goldstein landed on the front page of the Montreal Gazette and were in demand on news outlets such as CNN and NBC's "Today Show." Although the two are enjoying their small slice of fame, they say they never intended for it to be this way. Six weeks ago, Gross and Goldstein submitted their commitment ceremony and civil union for publication consideration by the Times, knowing it didn't accept same-sex unions. "The purpose of our submission was not, first and foremost, about social change," said Gross, 32, a vice president of GE Capital in Stamford, Conn. "The letter we wrote said that newspapers are in the business of reporting the events of the world as it happens. Same-sex unions — whether you call them marriage or not — happen. We said, if you don't cover it, your paper is biased." The couple received a polite rejection letter from Allan Siegal, assistant managing editor at the Times, noting the slow-changing nature of the paper but that "nothing would make me happier than to make you two the first," recalled Goldstein, 40, owner of a Manhattan-based public affairs consulting firm. Then, two weeks ago, on August 18, the Times changed its policy, renaming the Sunday Styles "Weddings" section — long a chronicle of the blessed unions of the "right kind" of New York couple — to "Weddings/Celebrations." "In making this change, we acknowledge the newsworthiness of a growing and visible trend in society toward public celebrations of commitment by gay and lesbian couples," the executive editor of the Times, Howell Raines, said in a statement published in the newspaper. "The Styles pages will treat same-sex celebrations as a discrete phenomenon meriting coverage in their own right." "I started screaming with joy, jumping up and down," said Goldstein, when he read the news. "At that point, I didn't know that we were going to be the first. It didn't matter. I was screaming up and down for our community." That very same day, Goldstein and Gross received word from the Times that a Styles reporter would be calling soon. "It means so much to us that the first same-sex announcement [in the Times] was a Jewish couple," Goldstein said. "It didn't have to be us. We are so deeply proud of Judaism, its teachings, its commitment to healing the world; how appropriate that it was a Jewish couple." Indeed, Judaism was an immediate and lasting bond for the couple. They met in Washington, D.C., 10 years ago, when Goldstein responded to Gross's ad in the Washington City Paper, which read: "Nice Jewish boy, 5 feet 8 inches, 22, funny, well-read, dilletantish, self-deprecating, Ivy League, the kind of boy Mom fantasized about." The couple "fell in love quickly from there," Goldstein said. As sure as they were of their feelings for one another, the couple postponed having some sort of a commitment ceremony until both Judaism recognized same-sex unions and at least one state legally sanctioned the practice. The magic year was 2000: That March, the Reform movement's Central Conference of American Rabbis passed a resolution stating "that the relationship of a Jewish, same gender couple is worthy of affirmation through appropriate Jewish ritual." Three months later, on July 1, Vermont legalized "civil unions" for same-sex couples. "We were incredibly heartened," Goldstein said. "It was a victory, not only for lesbian and gay equality, it was a victory for Judaism. The CCAR resolution put Judaism at the forefront of equality and justice. It's tikkun olam at its best." September 11 inspired the couple finally to take the plunge. Fulfilling their desire to have something "completely over-the-top and huge," according to Gross, the couple celebrated their love over a Labor Day weekend-long blowout in Montreal, which the Brooklyn-based couple regard as their "second home." On Saturday night, Goldstein and Gross exchanged vows in front of 180 guests in a traditional Jewish ceremony at the Musée des Beaux-Arts, officiated by Rabbi David Steinberg. "It was important to us as individuals, more importantly as a demonstration to our family and our extended network of friends, that the union between the two of us is no different, that it's every bit as a solid, loving commitment as any other Jewish wedding they've attended," Gross said. The following day, the couple hired buses — stocked with Montreal bagels — to take guests to the Shore Acres Inn in North Hero, Vt., where the civil ceremony took place. An after-party was held Sunday night in Montreal. The couple has taken their newfound fame in stride, showing no signs that it's tarnishing an afterglow. "It's been a fun ride," Gross said. Since the Times changed its policy August 18, "We've had a small number of responses, equally split between positive and negative," said Toby Usnik, a spokesman for the newspaper. As for reader response to the Gross-Goldstein announcement, "It's too early to tell," he said. "To be honest, we didn't really believe it until we saw it," Gross said. "At 2:30 in
the morning, after the party on Saturday night, Steven went to the Times
Web site. He was screaming, 'It's really there!'" |